Asking for Accountability
Who are we?
We are a group of people who have had various types of relationships with Jay M both romantic and otherwise. Three of us are ex partners who have survived harmful and abusive relationships with them for varying amounts of time. Four of us are ex-housemates of Jay’s who witnessed and experienced some of their past actions that have hurt people in our communities. Two of us directly shared sober spaces with Jay and first hand witnessed and experienced the behaviours that will be mentioned in this statement. The rest of us are members of the community who we have been called on to support us through this process; who have experience in conflict mediation and transformative justice work, but who do not have a personal history with Jay.
Who are we talking to?
Our intention with this statement is to share our stories that for too long have been silenced, minimized and ignored by Jay, by their friends, and by their partner, Clementine. We are making this information public in an attempt to protect other people that might find themselves in contact with or propositioned by Jay (or Clementine). We also want to make our stories available to the public to attempt a call for accountability that this time cannot be ignored. Many attempts for dialogue and accountability have been made in private and directly with Jay but these have been unsuccessful (we are talking attempts over multiple years now). Jay has a considerable platform to express their ideas and opinions, both in academia, through Clementine’s social media, and in their podcast. We believe that it’s important to normalize accountability for powerful individuals in our community, particularly in this situation where Jay and Clementine are attempting to control the discourse on accountability.
We’re doing this because we shouldn’t keep this to ourselves
We are putting this out because we feel fed up with not being heard, and hearing history repeat itself with each ex partner/friend of Jay’s who speaks up. The behaviour we describe in this statement has been constant throughout the times we’ve interacted with Jay or been in their life. Some of us have known them for 10 years, have dated them for up to 4/4.5 years, lived with them for 2+ years. We witnessed and experienced this behaviour consistently. Some of us heard rumours prior to dating Jay, but they would often only share specific details, and frame situations as if they were the one being victimized. We’ve spent a lot of time and energy reflecting on our experiences, finding ways to name them, and heal from them, so we’ve decided to put that work together. Writing and reviewing this document took about four months, as we made sure to reflect on it and go back to it regularly. Hopefully, others who have been impacted don’t have to spend that long second-guessing or isolating themselves.
We’re doing this because too much fucked up shit has happened
The people most affected and targeted by Jay are marginalized people who are poor, queer, neurodivergent, traumatized, not familiar with academia, etc. We do not believe that these shared identities and circumstances are random. We believe grooming, manipulation, and deception happen in power dynamics, when differences in status and knowledge are taken advantage of, or used in self-serving ways. We believe that’s what went on in our relationships with Jay. Jay knows the language and has the political knowledge that makes them an easy person to trust with your pain and trauma. They’ve routinely used that knowledge and lingo to seduce people in the community, to perform allyship, and to ‘outwit’ folks who confronted them or called issues to their attention. In our experience, they’ve often been unwilling to use their knowledge to undermine harmful dynamics.
Our goal is harm reduction
We understand a statement like this can cause conflict in people’s lives and that Jay and people close to them might be distressed by this. We didn’t put this document together for it to be reposted as a smear campaign, but to make ourselves heard and to help others avoid similar abuse and toxic behavior in the future.
We are not ‘cancelling’ Jay, despite that they already believe that they have been. We know that white, upper-middle class, academic and/or well-known folks – who complain about ‘callout’ and ‘cancel culture’ the most – rarely lose status or security when they’re actually called on to be accountable for their behavior. We also see that they’re often addressed with much more care and compassion than more marginalized people who are confronted. And sometimes, such efforts even give them visibility that they then use to further their interests or spin discourses, rather than actually help tackle toxic dynamics. To the point, Jay (with Clementine) is currently monetizing their complaints about exactly these kinds of accountability attempts. We’re not here to whine, speculate, or profit.
Jump to a Section
What you read in the following sections might be triggering and painful, and if that’s the case, we ask that you skip ahead to section 2 and 3, to learn about what has been tried in the past and what accountability looks like to us, before sharing this statement.